31 March
Slowing down, doing one thing at the time. One after another. Filling the day with things that I would never have done, or would have done carelessly, on the side, 10 things at a time. Watching myself pouring coffee into a cup and it feels like minutes, drinking coffee just staring out of the window and it feels like an hour and, turns out, it was. I’m so aware of myself, feel my movements, my thoughts, my mood swings. Remembering all my favourite things, indulging in pleasures that were so far removed from my days and that I could never focus on. I’m putting my self together with every day. Going through stages, like in the mornings, when waking up is the toughest thing of the day. Not able to just rush into the day, into the routine, into the numbing structure that I made my life. I forgot myself, forgot to take care of myself. Forgot that I’m still here. I’m still here.
It scares me, that thought that I might be the only one who sees this. Parallel universes, would that be possible. Wake up in the middle of the night sweating because I’m scared that maybe all this work, this pressure has made me go crazy and this is only in my head. Is everyone else functioning and only I am not.
Last night, I dreamt that the world was infected by a virus. And my two childhood friends, who never play a role in my life ever, so what are they doing in that dream?? were with me and I was in South Africa and they couldn’t get away and were always sitting around me while I was still running around to carry on and, as always, in dreams time is not a factor anymore, it’s just a long, undefined period of wondering what is going on.
