3 November
There is the actual heartbreak, there is the missing of this love and there is realizing that it was always a role played. That I was put into a role and played.
And, separately, there are a lot of anxieties spinning around this. Assuring, promising to be on my side for when things start rolling. Cowardly pulling out. This is where it hurts the most.
Her, me being an affair. How to deal with her, feeling her hatred from the factual, yet denied betrayal alone. Being made an affair. Degrading the love shared to a cheap illusion.
My business, put at stake for this illusion. Grieving, again, to be abandoned in the reveal more than grieving the actual loss of business. A heart cold enough to put my livelihood against the wall.
How to source the energy to master the days, how to meet the need to sleep. The need to regain control and freedom to process this heartbreak, this failure, this disappointment. Necessarily needing to go through this with a clear mind before the pain can be processed, before the damage and failure can be evaluated. Mostly, the acceptance to hurt and let this hurt happen.
—
A simple change of perspective. I haven’t been betrayed, lied to. He betrayed me, he lied to me, he made me trust.
His doubt, disguised by words for so long. My need to trust and love, the will to be blindly led into this manipulation.
The mistake was to trust the wrong person. I have to mourn that. Not to feel guilty towards her. Not be hard on myself. Acknowledging the mistake was to trust the wrong person.
Acknowledging the hurt, acknowledging no other feelings than my own at this point.
Guarding up not for the reason of self-defense, but for the reason of healing. Only myself for now.
Grateful for the guidance into a change of perspective.
