neezypeez

26 March

A heart overwhelmed with pain, drowned in tears. This feeling, like the skin is coming off the bones. Not able to see anything but the shame, disgust in the disappointment I am.
Have to get up, have to remember what I learned, have to gain strength, have to get back to the confidence I was taught.

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27 January

How hearts change. How hearts break, hurt, and heal. How they breathe and break again from memory, only to persist. How they recover and pretend nothing has happened; they always just kept beating anyway, even if it was too weak for us to hear, even if it was just loud enough not to give in.

How memory tortures, until it decides to aid us out by neglecting its duty. How it teaches us to sidestep the heart`s break by omitting to its own force.

How the body neglects, how it gives in, how it bleeds. How it keeps the bruises hidden under layers of life, heart breaks, and memories. How it stores pain, to remember. The heart, it will open and break again. The memory, it will torment and blackout again. The body, it will recover and take strain again.

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12 January

It sometimes hits me. How you fucked me up. How reckless you were. How recklessly you fucked me, my business, my trust in people, up.

You pretended misery, you played awakening, you manipulated me into your game that was

never anything other

than about you.

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2 January

I have to call you back into my memory, consciously, to remember where the pain comes from that threatens to break me every single day. In order to deal with it, channel it, and lead it off to the compartments that I will deal with much later in life.
I have to recall the easiness, the happiness, to understand why I’m hurting so much under the decision you made. Recalling and remembering the outrighteousness within which you thought it’s ok to do this to me. An outerworldly, outerwordly experience, so harmful that harbouring it is risking my life, that much I know now.

Telling the brain to choose yourself, not the experience of yourself through someone else.

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28 December

The year is coming to an end and there are no questions anymore. Just like there are no answers, anywhere. The surprises and shocks that the times still bear are unexpected if anything.

The option to give up, finally, is the outlook to get relief, to move on, to let go.
It’s the review of a year spent in hope as well though, hope that was expensive.

What is the right thing to do? Where are you forcing me to go with my twothousand&twenty questions.

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neezypeez

neezypeez

phd & ocd, work mania & insomnia, beach addiction & wave devotion, cape town crush & berlin origin